Years ago I thought I was the world's worst mother. Nobody told me about the lack of sleep, the feelings of helplessness when the baby cried and kept on crying, the loss of my place in the world as a competent teacher, in control. I was now a weepy, inept person.
There was a distinct conspiracy of silence. I'd read the books, knitted the booties and thought I knew what to expect but nobody told me it might not be quite like I expected.
So I decided that I would make sure that any new mums I came across knew that there would be some days that were just plain awful. Not to mention some nights. 'Just don't be surprised,' I'd say, 'If it doesn't quite all go as you expected.' If they didn't need that advice, well and good but maybe one day it just might ring true for them.
Fortunately there has been more written in the following 40 plus years about varying experiences of motherhood (and fatherhood). And I have not had to write my book which I planned to call 'No Weekends.'
But recently I was talking to a brand new first time grandmother. From my vast experience (my oldest grandchild is now 20) I detected a little moment of hesitation. The baby is born safely and is the most beautiful baby on earth, of course. But there are challenges. The father wants to protect his wife from too many tiring visitors and so he calls the shots. 'But she's my daughter', thinks the new Grandma. And then there's the matter of two sets of grandparents with different ideas and expectations not least of all what they will be called. 'I thought I'd like to be Grandma, one of my co-grandparent stated. But I was already Grandma to three grandies and can't a child have more than one Grandma? Mine did. An don't even get me started on who lights the birthday candles when it comes time for the first (and second and third birthday).
And what if one set of grandparents live close by and the others live half a day's drive (or half a world) away. How does that work out? And what about fair shares on Christmas Day?
And this is your grandchild not your child and so there is a time to keep your mouth shut about how things should be done. So, you've seen 4 hourly feeding and feeding on demand go in cycles, but it's their choice and whether to use disposable nappies or cloth, whether there should be a strict schedule, whether the kid should be swaddled, use a dummy, be in child care. It's endless.
So let's not have a conspiracy of silence on this one here. Grandparenting is great but not without its challenges.
Love and cherish - and enjoy those weekends...
I guess I was lucky in that my mum was a midwife, and so she was full of good advice. The one thing and possibly the hardest to do was letting baby cry, and not pick him up at a whim. So often I have seen new parents walking around bobbing the baby in their arms because they cry when out down. Let them cry and learn they're not the only one in the house. If they've been fed, burped and nappy changed then there is no harm in letting them cry for a bit. Obviously if the crying goes on then there could be a reason. My children were content had no dummies, and I didn't rock or walk around bobbing them around to get them to sleep.
ReplyDeleteThis is one of the areas where opinions come and go. Whether to let babies cry or not. I won't even begin to tell you my experience and the various advice I got.
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